The Curious Case of the Teenage Toddler.

I have encountered a strange being. One not really catalogued in books, except in some vague references. Evidently they can be quite elusive. He's a curious thing I can only call a Teenage Toddler. Or Tween. Or kid. He's 11 11/12. Twelve next month.

12 going on 17. Five foot, 11 inches tall.

Possibly akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Looks like a teen. Acts like a toddler.

This amazing being the size of a man that you find yourself cuddling with one moment and the next, trying to figure out how to get him into "Time Out". Ah...the good old days. When they went.

What a puzzle! One day he wants new goggles, I get them, and he replies the goggles he has are fine. It would be awesome to go rock climbing today, but next week it is lame. Will you sit with me and watch a movie? Mom--can I have some space? He wants new underwear, but not from Walmart. The same brand from Target is okay though. And by all means DO NOT TOUCH HIS STUFF. Even to clean it. OFF LIMITS. Bedtime? How unfair.

I wasn't prepared for this stage of life as a mom. I mean, age 11?? It's still elementary school! Eleven and twelve...there is no "teen" in there. Pre-teen is not the same as teen. Preteen is cautionary. Teen is danger. But biology had other ideas. When his voice started to change, I tried to convince myself for weeks it was allergies. It was harder to convince myself that the other anatomical changes were related to the seasons. Aside from all the outward physical changes evident during puberty, evidently the brain undergoes some significant changes. As the book "Your Teenager is Not Crazy" by Clark and Clark says, there is science involved. The brain synapses that sprouted early on are pruning themselves significantly. According to the book, "Your teen's neural hardware is transforming. It's time to allow your adolescent to begin using his new hardware, even if there are system glitches along the way." This happens, evidently around age 11. Knowing this is happening gives me some empathy. SOME.

But what is a glitch, and what is simply a bad choice? There doesn't seem to be an error report I can generate and send to Microsoft for a diagnostics check. (That is probably in the works somewhere though...)

I can see him struggling with his behavior. There are times after the "teenage-two year old toddler outbursts" that he slumps back in with a heart felt apology..." I am sorry Mom...I just got so mad and I didn't control my feelings!" Ummm yea. You are right about that.

I can see it in his eyes sometimes too. The same look he had as a two year old toddler. Eyes pleading for help and saying..."I don't understand what is happening with me!" Within my child struggling to be a confident adult, those eyes don't lie. My eyes reflect back "I am here, I want to help you." But what to do next, I never quite know...

Sometimes a hug is welcome. Sometimes he cringes and shrinks away like I am contaminating him with some motherly disease. I long for the days when we could hold hands and he wouldn't think he was becoming a social pariah.

There have been many things that have happened in the last year that he had no control over. A move ( a bad move no less where everythign went wrong!). A new school. Goodbyes. Hellos. Body changes. Dad having to be gone. I firmly believe on some level he is trying really hard to exert some control over the things he can...his room, his stuff, and when he has them...his choices.

There are advantages to this newfound need for independence, but it often comes with a price. It is fabulous that he pack his own suitcase for a trip, but the eye rolls and complaints "Do I HAVE to go? This is lame. Why do you decide where we go?"....often times are not worth the packing help.

Yet outside our home nest of confrontation he continues to be the natural, confident leader that gets complimented by adults and admired by kids. I don't mention this to brag. I mention it as it gives me some sense that maybe I am not completely failing. Somehow he is still contributing positively to the community, even though at home it is like walking through a field of land mines.

And the timing just sucks. Thanks Mother Nature. Dad is gone for a year and I am left to navigate the world of teenage boy adolescence alone. Me, who has 2 sisters. It is a steep learning curve. I am sure he has anger about dad being gone, about having moved, about lots of things. But is it situational? Hormonal? Biological? What do I react to and fix? What do the let him fix himself?

"Choose your battles, not your wars". I am in the trenches of the war that I have no choice but to be in...the war of trying to raise a strong, confident, empathetic, generous, contributing member of society in a world that is not what I always want it to be. In a world that is sometimes hard to recognize. I often struggle with my role in society...how do I help pave the world for him?

But what battles do I choose? The eye rolls, the messy room, the attitude, the respect, the expectations? What do I let go, accepting it as a side effect of the molting process as he finds himself? Which things really matter to the person he will become, and which things are just insignificant bumps in the road?

And really, how much of what I do will really matter? Ultimately he is going to be his own person. I can only hope that being me and being true to myself and setting an exampe, quietly at times, leaves an impact better then my words that are falling on deaf ears.

While it is amazing to see this person growing and changing and becoming his own, I go through some mourning too. Sadness of the loss of the simple moments. The bike rides that were fun. The magic of the zoo. Playing in the splash pads. Just an afternoon at the park. Bubbles. The magic of those as special moments together are gone. Not that there won't be others on this new adventure, but we haven't found many of them yet. We get distracted by the dust and commotion of the construction zone of the teenage brain.

We need to learn to live through the commotion. And we will. But I am putting on my pink hard hat. Tough construction zone ahead.