It's complicated.

Military service is not for everyone. In fact, less than 1% of Americans today are serving in the military. Well...there are lots of numbers. The Defense Manpower Data Center says that 0.4% of all the American population is currently serving. Of all living Americans, only 7.4% have served at one time or another. That's not a lot. Some don't want to, some want to but can't. But regardless, enough answer the call and we are blessed to have an all volunteer force.

I remember when I first met Shawn as an ROTC cadet at the University of Georgia. I knew nothing about the military...even having grown up in the "military town" of Columbus, GA, home of Ft. Benning and the Army's Infantry School. I thought that everyone started out as a private and if you were really good you got promoted to General. I asked Shawn, "so this military thing....this is 4 years?" I don't remember his exact answer, but I remember it started with "well...". Twenty years later here we are...still. It's complicated.

I remember 18 years ago when Shawn was a LT that all the colonels seemed wise and nice, but...old. Now that is us...old. Wise and nice too?

Around year 10 he wasn't so sure about staying. He used some of his GI Bill to pay for his master's degree because he didn't want the additional service commitment for using tuition assistance. A few years later he applied to a full time position in the Guard. He wasn't offered the right position so he stayed active duty. There was another plan for him. We kept going. By choice. It was a little complicated.

It is a great job...good medical, good pay and vacation time. Even unlimited sick days. It allowed me to stay home with the kids and not have to work. Sure, there was some unpredictability with his job. But it allowed me the stability to always be there for the kids. But in truth it wasn't a job. It provided a way to take care of our family, but it was a calling. There are the moves, but every few years I actually get the itch...the house seems to need an overhaul....the area is getting stagnate. My bucket list for this assignment has gotten short. I get ready...

Time goes on. Hard work, dedication, deployments, TDYs, PCSs. The dream of command coming true. Every year of service transformed him into a greater leader and mentor. Every year of service reaffirmed his calling. He is respected. Random people stop you and tell you that they admire and appreciate your husband. He finally had the opportunity to affect change. He had the ears of the right people. In command, he actally had the legal authority. More importantly, he had the passion. You don't learn the passion. You are given the passion and you learn how to use it. But using your passion can take it's toll. It is hard to stop people with passion. But it is the people with the passion that make the biggest difference. It's complicated.

The Air Force keeps asking for more (or secretly maybe we do??) Maybe it is a compliment...maybe it is an abuse. It has been 20 years. We could stop...fall into the ranks of the retirees who still shop at the commissary and wait in the pharmacy. For the first time I have thought about it. I feel a bit beaten up by the Air Force. Command required a lot from our family because it required so much from Shawn. We had to share him with the Airman. He had 2 sons at home, and 300 sons and daughters at work. Yet even beyond that sacrifice, the Airmen grew to become our family. And just like any family some of them lifted us up, and some of them brought us down. It was only temporary, but it left its scars. Yet it also kept a piece of our hearts. And when your heart is with a part of the Air Force, the Air Force is a part of you. It's complicated.

After 2 years of intimately sharing him....the Air Force thought the best place for Shawn was away to Qatar for a year. I was bitter. The best place for Shawn is with our family. I am tired of sharing. But, there are missions. Missions that need good people, great leaders. One year in Qatar would give us the ability to move back to the east coast. Good schools, family close by. I was so ready to be done with the command tour I never quite got my mind around the one year separation.

Single parenting is hard. Some cringe when I say that, but that is what it is. I have a spouse that loves me. I have the money I need. The kids have a great dad. But most of the hard day to day decisions are mine to own and mess up. By the time Shawn can respond to an email or call, I am over the situation. I have moved on.

We try to be on the same page as much as possible, but the fireworks never seem to happen on Skype. They happen when I am tired and need a break--when it is 3 am in Qatar. As hard as I search there is no manual called "Raising Moody Pre-Teen Boys While Their Idol Dad Is Away Serving". Breaks don't come very often. I am tired of our family time together being the exception, and not the norm.

It is hard. But it is familiar. It is complicated.

I think more and more about being done with this life and having some normalcy. But what is normalcy exactly, especially for us? Everyone has their own normal. After many years, this is who I am. I am loyal and independent and resourceful. I have the opportunity to be who I want when I want. To take up causes when I feel moved, but to stay home on sabbatical when I do not feel it.

More importantly, this is who Shawn is. He is an Airman. He is a leader. He is a patriot. The best way we can teach our kids to be resilient and be who they are is for us, their parents to be true to ourselves.

My Grandpa Tyznik once said, "Don't be afraid of the valley. It is there that we learn to appreciate the view from the mountain". I have grown into myself in the valley and appreciated who I became from the mountain.

Eventually this identity of military spouse will be over. Not sure when. Not sure how. Not sure really, how much of a role I will play again in my husband's career. But, I am grateful that he found a calling that supports us so well. It is complicated.

My feelings are complicated. Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Parenting is complicated. Heck, most of Pinterest is too damn complicated. But there is joy in the journey.

And for the nights I have a hard time remembering all of this, when the detours and bad pavement of the roads of the journey just plain suck, there is wine. And friends around the world who just get it too.

God Bless complications. For now.